{"id":855,"date":"2014-05-06T11:09:57","date_gmt":"2014-05-06T11:09:57","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/?p=855"},"modified":"2021-10-08T23:21:13","modified_gmt":"2021-10-08T21:21:13","slug":"la-therapie-familiale-et-du-couple-comment-ca-fonctionne","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/la-therapie-familiale-et-du-couple-comment-ca-fonctionne\/","title":{"rendered":"Couple counseling: how does it work?"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"couple<\/a>It is \u201ca m\u00e9nage \u00e0 quatre\u2019 this relationship: he, she, the perception that she has got about him and the perception that he has got about her! (Claude Roy)<\/em><\/p>\n

The meaning of the quotation above reminds us about two people in love, in the beginning of their relationship. Each of them has a certain ideal about how\u00a0their relationship\u00a0should be, about the significant other and so on.<\/p>\n

In reality, each of us brings into our new relationship our own \u2018luggage\u2019 and past experiences or wounds, our expectations from his\/her partner. During the first years we start noticing some shortcomings and differences of our loved one. While dealing with changes (new jobs, losses, moving abroad, children etc), we have to learn to face together new situations, to adjust our thinking, reactions and behavior according to the significant other. Sometimes this just goes well, naturally, sometimes each of us grow apart, but in the same house.<\/p>\n

We often forget to show appreciation to our significant other and we take him\/her for granted. We forget that as human beings, the needs of approval, of appreciation, of affection and attention are very important and consolidate our relationship as a couple.<\/p>\n

We forget to see the world \u2018through his\/her eyes\u2019 as we used to do when we first fell in love with each other. We often avoid to express our feelings and the words \u2018I love you\u2019 or \u2018I\u2019m so happy to wake up with you every morning\u2019, \u2018Thank you for making\u00a0my coffee, I appreciate you taking your time to prepare breakfast for all of us\u201d and so on. We\u00a0often assume that the other one knows how we feel. In plus, we tend to criticize and to express more our negative feelings rather than the positive ones. Sometimes simple gestures, expressing our feelings in a healthy way, setting some quiet moments for our couple, a \u2018routine\u2019, finding out what works for ourselves in that relationship might take effort and time but it could worth it and spare us for a lot of painful experiences later on.<\/p>\n

Over the years, patterns of thinking, of dealing with each other in our couple develop. These patterns are more or less healthy, these are habits or automatic responses to help\u00a0a person cope with the environment such as: fighting, silence or ignorance, addictions, verbal or emotional abuse, taboos (the elephant in the room) and other unhealthy behavior.<\/p>\n

I often meet during couple counseling sessions these types of unhealthy behavior based on judgmental thinking, blame, on fake beliefs system and on distorsion of reality. The barriers of communication, the lack of empathy and of trying to walk in each other shoes are commonly present in a relationship or in marriage.<\/p>\n

Virginia Satir, the \u00ab Mother of Family Therapy, always said that healing a family means healing the world!<\/p>\n

Her practical tools and role plays to help people and families in the complex process of reconstruction are always useful and precious in therapy when working with people that need to learn new coping skills if they want to heal and to live in a healthier environment. The unhealthy responses, emotional abuse, addictions etc are just unhealthy ways of a person who does not know how to act differently. These could be negative patterns or compulsions developed during years of marriage or living together or just a sort of \u2018history repeating\u2019 of a\u00a0‘learned’ behavior from the family of origin.<\/p>\n

However, the role of the therapist\u00a0 is to guide both partners and help them develop new skills, to communicate in a healthier way, NonViolent Communication \u2013 (M Rosenberg), to break that vicious circle and replace it with a healthy routine that works for them, as a couple.<\/p>\n

Exemples of how it works and some success stories will be available soon on my site Bestherapie thanks to the people that agreed to share their stories here after our counseling sessions. We hope that this will give some\u00a0powerful examples of the ways that therapy and couple counseling work if both partners have the same objective: to rebuild, to heal together or to find a way to split without harming each other and their family.<\/p>\n

Below are some examples of negative patterns and common issues encountered in my counseling sessions:<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Lack of communication, of active listening or empathy. During counseling sessions the couple learns step by step to hear what other needs to express and to share his\/her own feelings, frustrations and perspective on things using techniques and tools from NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming<\/span>) and NonViolent Communication. Simple techniques creating a routine focus on mutual respect and the jackal language (M Rosenberg) \u2013 aggressive, selfish, poor, based on blaming the other \u2013 is replaces by the Giraffe language<\/strong> \u2013 based on active listening, care, empathy and observation (without judgmental thinking). This is the \u2018language of the heart\u2019 that replaces nasty, mean, cynical language.<\/p>\n

Both partners get then to work towards their common objective: healing together, reconstruct, forgive themselves and each other or healing apart and make the appropriate choice for themselves.<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Trying to solve in a hectic manner couple\u2019s time management (workoholism, burn-out)), stress, house chores, financial issues etc<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Differences concerning education of children, spiritual values, family of origin etc<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Differences regarding their needs: the woman has different priorities than her man: attention, affection, being listened to; the man needs to be admired, to be encouraged, intimacy and sexual attention ; Expressing in a simple, healthy way his\/her needs and setting\u00a0together\u00a0priorities; it is time to choose to learn how to fulfil each other\u2019s needs, to discover what ‘active listening’ means or just to let go!<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 The list goes on, as each couple is different and it takes time, motivation, constant effort to grasp these skills. Couples should get ready for that as magic cannot be done without them doing their part in therapy!<\/p>\n

\n

Tips for couples\u00a0:<\/p>\n

– Focus on your significant other\u2019s qualities; after all, you have chosen him\/her for a reason!<\/p>\n

– Take some time on a daily basis to offer any sign of affection and attention to your spouse; touching her\/his hand, looking him\/her into the eyes, making a sincere compliment change a lot and you\u2019ll see these positive changes in your significant other\u2019s behavior as well;<\/p>\n

– Do not go to bed sad, resentful or angry on your spouse; this will have a very bad impact on your relationship and on your own health (insomnia, panic attacks, fear, doubts, negative thoughts etc)<\/p>\n

– Find together a hobby or an activity that you both enjoy \u2013 walking in the nature, sports, dancing, reading club, pique-nique etc. Make a weekly plan to spend this time together just two of you, without your kids. This will help increase intimacy and remind each of you good memories and times;<\/p>\n

– Make a list with the things that your spouse could make in order to make you feel fulfilled and happy; ask him \/her to do the same, then exchange lists and set a time to talk about it, to decide together what is important, acceptable for each.<\/p>\n

– Express you gratitude towards your significant other even for simple gestures such as: \u201cThank you for making coffee in the morning, for preparing breakfast for all of us; I appreciate your time, effort etc.\u201d Showing your appreciation will encourage a positive behavior. Remember to do this kind of gestures as well at your turn!<\/p>\n

– Avoid criticism when your spouse does something not how you expected to or he forgets to accomplish his\/her tasks; try to use empathy and to focus on solutions: what can be done to solve the problem and to avoid the repetition of an unpleasant situation in the future?<\/p>\n

– Express your feelings and needs in a clear and simple manner, without blaming him\/her;<\/p>\n

Example:<\/p>\n

I\u2019m fed up\u00a0of cooking and waiting for you every evening to eat together as a family! You always do that and put your work first\u2026you don\u2019t care about my feelings, you do not keep your promise as discussed etc<\/em><\/p>\n

Can become:<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen I plan to eat together and I cook and you do not\u00a0show up I feel disappointed, frustrated (etc) because I need these moments with you at the end of the day to feel home, together and I\u2019d like you to come home as we discussed before and keep your promise. Or ask the question clearly: Can you choose three (four etc) evenings per week to have dinner together ?<\/em><\/p>\n

If the situation is still not satisfying you, ask your spouse to settle together a meeting on a specific date\u00a0(like at work) and solve this problem in a convenient way for both of you in order to avoid a conflict.<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Try to find simple gestures, surprises (invitation to the cinema etc) as a couple, as a family in order to make your significant other feel important and loved. Make sure that the activities that you choose could make you happy as well and this way the quality of the time spent together can be added to the best memories that you gathered so far during your life as a couple.<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Accept that you cannot change the other person, but you can choose to change your perspective on the situation as long as your own reactions. Tips for individual counseling and solution focused therapy can be provided as well by a professional if this is what you feel like changing.<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Get informed, get time for relieving your own stress (massage and relaxation techniques, passions, friends, group support etc). Taking care of yourself and being aware of what you need & feel can make a tremendous difference in the way you cope with a crisis situation as your perception could change from a \u2018worst case scenario pattern\u2019 towards the \u2018best scenario one\u2019. Of course, this takes time, efforts, motivation and getting over denial: the problem is not me, is the other!<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 If you feel that resentments, negative feelings and patterns are taking over your relationship, seek help; a counselor will know how to guide you to rediscover each other or to help find your own resources and to set yourself free from a toxic Relationship.<\/p>\n

As a conclusion, in order to understand each relationship, it is important to acknowledge that each person, including the counselor, has a unique personality, perception, values and life experiences.<\/p>\n

The methods, the tools to help each individual and couple are different according to each person background, experience and objective.<\/p>\n

However, the role of the counselor is to:<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Enable each person to be heard, to improve communication<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Deliver relevant and appropriate information<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Change the view of the relationship<\/p>\n

–\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Adjust his\/her methods to help the couple get out of the vicious circle<\/p>\n

In some\u00a0my future articles, we\u2019ll take a closer look to some aspects related to couple counseling and family therapy: addiction and codependency, toxic relationships, manipulation, infidelity and fear of change. Many thanks again to those that after counseling sessions together agreed to share their success stories and to those that emailed me your questions.<\/em><\/p>\n

Useful Ressources:<\/p>\n

Conjoint Family Therapy<\/em>, 1964, Peoplemaking<\/em>, 1972, and The New Peoplemaking<\/em>, 1988 \u2013 Virginia Satir;<\/p>\n

Englander-Golden; P; Satir, V. Say It Straight: From Compulsions to Choices, Science and Behavior Books, Palo Alto, CA<\/p>\n

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life – by Marshall B.\u00a0Rosenberg<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It is \u201ca m\u00e9nage \u00e0 quatre\u2019 this relationship: he, she, the perception that she has got about him and the perception that he has got about her! (Claude Roy) The meaning of the quotation above reminds us about two people in love, in the beginning of their relationship. Each of them has a certain ideal […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1001003,"featured_media":862,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","footnotes":""},"categories":[24],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-855","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-therapie"],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/855","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1001003"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=855"}],"version-history":[{"count":5,"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/855\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3308,"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/855\/revisions\/3308"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/862"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=855"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=855"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/bestherapie.com\/en\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=855"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}